I still remember the first time someone close to me shared their story of pregnancy loss. I didn’t know what to say. I fumbled for words that might bring comfort, but nothing felt right. How do you hold space for a grief that sits quietly in the background, often unseen but deeply felt?
Over time, and through many honest conversations with women who’ve lived through it, I’ve realised something powerful: healing isn’t about “moving on”. It’s about learning to live alongside your loss and giving yourself permission to feel everything that comes with it.
The Myths That Keep Us Silent
Pregnancy loss can feel impossibly isolating, and part of that comes from the myths that surround it. We’re told to be strong, to be grateful, to focus on the next step. But those well-meaning messages can shut down what’s really going on inside.
Grief after loss doesn’t look like what most people imagine. It’s not always tears and visible sadness. Sometimes it’s numbness, or fear, or a quiet ache that resurfaces years later. And it doesn’t have a finish line. You don’t “get over it”, you grow around it.
Giving yourself space to grieve doesn’t mean you’re weak or ungrateful. It means you’re human.
Shame and the Stories We Tell Ourselves
For many women, shame creeps in uninvited. It whispers that your body failed you or that you did something wrong. You might find yourself replaying moments, searching for reasons that simply don’t exist.
But shame thrives in silence. The more we hide our pain, the heavier it feels. Healing begins when we can name what’s happened and allow ourselves to be witnessed, whether that’s through journalling, talking with a trusted friend, or connecting with a counsellor who understands.
You didn’t cause this. You’re not broken. And you don’t have to carry it alone.
When Joy Feels Complicated
Pregnancy after loss can bring a mix of hope and fear that’s hard to explain. One moment you’re excited, the next you’re terrified to get attached in case it all falls apart again. That kind of emotional whiplash is exhausting.
It’s okay to feel both grateful and anxious at the same time. Psychologists call this “maternal ambivalence”, the very normal experience of holding two truths at once. You can love your baby deeply and still feel scared, sad or overwhelmed.
If you notice yourself pulling away or struggling to connect, that doesn’t mean you’re failing. It might simply be your brain’s way of protecting you after trauma. Gentle support, whether from a partner, a doula or a therapist, can help you rebuild trust in your body and your story.
The Ripple Effect of Mental Health
When we talk about pregnancy loss, we often focus on the moment of loss itself. But the emotional impact can echo through every part of life, from relationships and self-worth to how we parent future children.
Taking care of your mental health isn’t a luxury; it’s a necessity. When you feel supported and seen, it strengthens not just you but the bond you share with your baby and the people around you. Connection, compassion and rest are medicine.
If you’re not sure where to start, small things count:
- Reach out to your GP or a perinatal psychologist for professional support
- Join a support group where others “get it”
- Say yes when a friend offers to help with dinner or errands
- Take a break from social media if it’s making things heavier
- Honour your loss in a way that feels right for you, such as lighting a candle, taking a quiet walk or saying their name out loud
You’re Not Alone
If you’re walking through loss, please know this: your feelings are valid, your story matters, and you deserve care that honours both your heart and your healing.
There’s no right timeline and no perfect way to grieve. Some days you might feel strong, and other days it might feel like you’re back at the start. That’s okay. Healing isn’t linear; it’s a slow, gentle returning to yourself.
Take your time. Be kind to yourself. And remember, you don’t have to do it alone.
Disclaimer:
The information in this article presented by Fill Your Cup is for general education and support only. It should not replace professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the guidance of your doctor, psychologist or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have about your health, mental wellbeing or pregnancy care.
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