(4 min read)
Losing a pregnancy changes something in you, whether it happened at five weeks or fifteen. Your grief matters, and it's allowed to take up space.
Many of the people around you will reach for comfort in the only words they know, and some of those words land harder than they were meant to. So let's talk about what the research says, what you're allowed to feel, and where support is waiting for you.
Common Doesn't Mean Small
If you're carrying this right now, you're in the company of far more people than you might think. Researchers who looked at data from around the world estimate that about 15 in 100 confirmed pregnancies end in miscarriage. More than one in ten of us will go through at least one, which means a lot of quiet grief sitting in workplaces, friendship groups and families.
Common can start to sound like small. How often something happens has no bearing on how much it hurts.
The same research links miscarriage with a higher risk of anxiety, depression and post-traumatic stress. If you're feeling numb, on edge, flat or tearful, that makes sense, and it deserves care.
Source: Miscarriage matters: the epidemiological, physical, psychological, and economic costs of early pregnancy loss, The Lancet, 2021, PMID 33915094
The words that hurt
"At least it was early." "You can try again." "Everything happens for a reason." They usually come from love, and they can still leave you feeling like you have to justify your grief. At six weeks or sixteen, you may already have pictured your life with that baby, and a loss at any stage is a loss. There's no silver lining you owe anyone.
If you're the one supporting someone you love, "I'm so sorry for your loss" is enough. What tends to help is sitting with how they feel, showing up with a coffee or a meal, taking their older children out for a play, and checking in well after the first few weeks.
Pregnancy after a loss can bring worry alongside hope, and both are welcome.
The 12 week "rule"
Many of us grew up hearing that you wait until 12 weeks before telling anyone. These days, many of us find out within the first few weeks, through home tests, blood tests and early scans, and the love starts building right away. Staying silent through those weeks can leave you carrying a loss on your own, in the moment you'd most want people around you. I think of it as a cultural gag order.
When I was pregnant, I didn't wait to tell the people closest to me. I felt so sick and so tired that I'd pulled away from everything, and I wanted my friends to understand what was going on. Our plans shifted to pyjamas, movies on the couch and a lot of potato chips.
Sharing is a personal choice. You get to decide who knows and when, and a few trusted people who can catch you if things don't go to plan can make a world of difference.
Your rights at work
Going back to a desk or a shift while you're grieving can feel impossible. If you have a miscarriage, you're entitled to two days of compassionate leave each time, and the same applies if your current partner has one. Those two days are paid if you work full time or part time, and unpaid if you're casual. You can take the two days together or as two separate days. Some workplaces offer more than the minimum, so it's worth checking your policy.
Two days won't cover everything you're carrying, and you're allowed to ask for more time.
Source: Compassionate and bereavement leave, Fair Work Ombudsman, accessed October 2026
Asking for care that fits you
Many of us search for something we did, and the guilt can feel loud. Your doctor or midwife can talk through your own situation with you. If you've had more than one loss, it's worth asking what tests might make sense for you.
If a health professional doesn't feel right, you're allowed to find another. If you live somewhere with fewer options, telehealth can open doors. And hearing from others who've been through a loss can help you feel less alone, so it's worth looking for a peer support group or online community.
Whatever your story holds, your grief is real and it's allowed to take its time. You deserve to be heard, held and supported through it, and you get to decide who walks alongside you.
If you're grieving a pregnancy loss, you can call PANDA's free pregnancy loss helpline on 1300 726 306, which is open seven days a week. For immediate support, Lifeline is available 24 hours a day on 13 11 14, and in an emergency you can call 000.
This blog was inspired by Episode 248 of The Science of Motherhood podcast. You can listen to the full episode here.
Disclaimer: The information presented by Fill Your Cup is not a substitute for independent professional advice. Nothing contained here is intended to be used as medical advice and it's not intended to be used to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease, nor should it be used as a substitute for your own health professional's advice.
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